Guidelines for Dating After Divorce

People in midlife come from an almost elite group. The Babyboomer group. The term babyboomer came about because more babies were born during this era than at any other time in the distant past.  For this reason, there are more people in this group, which could be why the divorce rate in the United States is higher than before (more people make for a higher percentage).  

That means that many people find themselves unexpectedly thrust back in the dating scene after years or even decades of marriage. This can be quite understandably daunting! Before you jump back into the dating pool, it is important to know both what you expect from yourself and what you desire in a potential partner. Being aware of both these sets of expectations can help you not only find what you are looking for, but enjoy yourself more during the "at times" stressful process of dating.

It is extremely important to know your own personal boundaries. When you have been in a long term monogamous relationship, it is sometimes difficult to trust others again. The good news is, you do not have to do everything all at once, no matter what other people are doing. You are a unique and precious individual, and while pressure to do things you may not be ready for can happen, knowing your own personal expectations and boundaries will help you to respond in a way you can be happy with.

The questions are almost the same as when you were a teenager (well, maybe more like as an adult dater, if you got married later) Will you kiss on a first date? Sleep over on a second date? Do you prefer to wait for a ring on your finger before making love with your partner, and do you mean an engagement ring or a wedding ring?

What about dating more than one person at once—do you prefer to concentrate all your energy on one person at a time, or are you comfortable with dating several people simultaneously until you find one who you truly ‘click’ with? This is an especially important question if you are getting into online dating services. 

All these things are your choice only, and whatever decisions you make are your right. Answer these questions before dating, and you will find it much easier to navigate the dating scene.

After you have given your own expectations some serious thought and are comfortable with your decisions, now you should think about what qualities you want in a partner. Be careful, however—you will never find either a person who shares the exact same qualities of your ex-spouse, or a person who exhibits none of your former spouse’s interests or qualities. These expectations are not realistic and will only lead to confusion and pain.

You should not constantly focus on how you want your new dating partner to be different from your ex-spouse.  Instead, concentrate on how this new person could compliment your own interests. From a love of animals to a love of dancing, this is your chance to find someone who truly shares your hobbies and interests. Also think about deal breakers—things that are unacceptable to you, no matter how right the person may otherwise be. Smoking, drinking, moving far from your current home, opinions on children—these are often deal breakers. Knowing what you cannot accept before you get into a relationship makes things much easier.

If you want to just date, check out the online dating services reviewed on this site.  If you are looking for a long-term relationship, the one dating service I highly  recommend is Chemistry. You may have to fill out a longer form, but the chances of finding the person you are looking for are much greater. 

No relax, have fun, and try to pretend your not desparate for companship (both men and women get scared away when you stalk them!)